Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Life of Lyle. The ignorant Redneck

Life of Lyle
The ignorant redneck

this is a fictional interview with a fictional character named Lyle. an ignorant Redneck that knows little about the world outside the south of the USA.

Me: Hello Lyle thank you for having me here on your range/farm to interview you?
Lyle: You're welcome its my pleasure. I never met a black journalist. I didnt even knew people could read.
Me: Yes times change.
Lyle: Unfortunately they do..... Do you want something to drink or eat? Kool Aid? or Chicken? I will let my wife bring you something.
Me: Water is fine thanks.
Lyle: Judice! get yo ass over here and bring this man some water.
Me: That is your wife? she is lovely.
Lyle: Yes I know. I have known her all my life
me: You two grew up in this same town?
Lyle: Yes she used to be my sister but now she is my wife.
me: is that normal in this town? that siblings marry each other?
Lyle: offcourse! it keeps the blood in the family pure. she will keep the last name. and the family name will never die. Plus we live close to the mexican border. I dont want my sister(wife) to be mixed with a sombrero wearing, moustache having, donkey riding mexican named pablo. I love our food. turkey. beef and mashed potatoes. the idea of smelling burrito's and taco's and tostadas just scares the crap out of me. and mexicans bring the worse music to our country. Jennifer lopez, pittbull, shakira.
me: the pittbull part I can agree on. Let's start with the interview. First let me tell something about myself. My name is Jerrel and I am from Holland(Netherlands)
Lyle: Holland? in which state is that?
Me: It is in europe.
Lyle: Is there a state named europe? Old folks used to tell me that europe is some country far away.
Me: Europe is a continent on the other side of the ocean. and Holland is a country inside europe. Have you ever heard of amsterdam?
Lyle: oooh yeah! now i remember Holland was a city in Amsterdam. where drugs is legal. let me say this. drugs is bad. and here in the great Usa the best country in the world we don't tolerate drugs.  My biggest fear when we got that new president Obama. was that he would legalize drugs. because blacks smoke weed and they are all on drugs.
Me: How do you know that every colored person is on drugs.
Lyle: because I am a smart man. whitney houston, Ray charles, Tina turner, Lamar Odom. I can go on forever. I bet the president is sniffing his nose on airforce one. He was on a trip to colombia once. I bet he was loading the whole plane with cocaine. To be honest, I don't consider Barack obama as black he is more like Caramel/beige/terracota kind of color. But that is because some of his family is from egypt. so I told this to my friend skeeter the other day. I said skeeter. why does an egyptian wanna be president of the Usa? he should go back to his own country and become a pharao or something. he could live in a stupid triangle shaped house. I mean barack, what kind of name is that it looks the same as Ramses .
Me: I tought he was part kenyan.
Lyle: Egypt! Kenya! all the same! they all live in houses that have weird shapes.  But tell me about your country
Me: well Holland is a nice country
Lyle: Not as nice as mine. GOOO USA!  and better yet the south! i still have the southern flag outside hanging in glory.
Me. Ok nice. anyway, holland is one of the Netherlands.  its a flat country next to the North Sea. Actually it is below sealevel.
Lyle. Listen! Maybe you think I am dumb but i am not! A country  below sealevel does not exist.  you should have floating houses. Or you are a mermaid and holland is like atlantis. And since you dont have vins and you stay alive here in the 50 degree dessert it means you are not a mermaid. so you must have floating house or you are a liar. country below sealevel. I bet the whole country holland is made up. just to make a fool of me.
Me: No the country is below sealevel but we have a natural system of dunes and dikes and waterworks that keeps the water out.
Lyle: Dykes? is that like a wall made of lesbian women?
Me: no Dikes a natural or artificial wall that keeps the water at bay
Lyle: interesting so you Dutches are really smart. But we americans are smarter. we discovered america.
me: I think the natives where the first once here. and the first ones after that where the vikings and then the portuguese/spanjards.
Lyle: Oh really why if they where first we don't speak spanish? explain that?
Me: well the British took over and slowly so on so on independancy blablabla.
Lyle: I don't believe you.
Me: that is ok
Lyle: George washington found america first and the first thing he did was building the white house. And brought so rules to these barbarians. and after he did that we celebrated independanceday.
me: interesting theory Lyle. But now another subject to get back at being married to your sister. Aren't you afraid that you wont have healthy kids?
Lyle: No I am not. it is better to have that than a half black or half mexican.
Me: But you cannot stop someone from falling in love. what would you do if someone in your family has a mixed race kid?
Lyle: I would go to the hospital. to the room where they keep the kids. and I would take another family their white baby.
Me: And what about the mixed black baby?
Lyle: Never heard of moses? I would moses the kid. put him in a basket. put the basket in the mississipi and the river would take the kid back to africa where it belongs.  back to his aboriginal family.
Me: But aboriginals are from australia.
Lyle: Africa! Australia! all the same! all inferior to the great usa! land of the free and home of the brave. which means no rooms for mexicans or other ching chang tjong folk!
 Me: Thank you lyle we will continue our interview tomorrow
To be continued

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